翻訳練習：「自白」(続き)

水を飲むだけ飲んだ時、急に音がパッと消えた。すごく優しい感覚、あったかい感覚、まるで何かに抱かれているような感触があった。どう表現すればいいのだろう。僕は、それまで味わったこともない安堵感に包まれていた。
その直後だった。走馬灯が回り始めた。生まれてからの記憶がこと細かに、順番どおりに、頭のなかで回って行った。
初めてのことだった。感じたことのない恐怖を味わった。間違いなく死ぬ。そう思った。
だが、僕は死ななかった。
それ以上降、死にかけるたびに走馬灯が起こる。死ぬかもしれない状況。交通事故とか、ケンカとか、それはたいがい突発的に起こる。
それが15回。少し多いかもしれない。
それほど僕はヤンチャな少年だった。自分がから死へと向かう頃向があった。

Then, as I could do nothing but swallow water, suddenly all the noise vanished with a “Pa!” There was an amazing sensation of tenderness; a warm sensation, like the feeling of being embraced by something. How should I describe it…? Until then, I had never been surrounded and enveloped by such a feeling of relief as that.
It was immediately after that… when the phantasmagoria started to flow. Memories from my birth in fine detail, one after the other, sequentially spinning in my head.
That was the first time. I had never tasted such fear before. There was no doubt that I was going to die…or so I thought.
But, I didn’t die.
From there, every time I came close to dying, the phantasmagoria would occur. Whenever I might die, those were the conditions in which it happened. Things like traffic accidents, fights, it was at those times that it was most likely to suddenly appear.
15 times…more or less.
To that end, I was a troublesome boy. I wanted to face death myself.

溺れた時は、ひどく怖かった。根っこの部分では、死ぬことを、おそらく、猛烈に恐れていたのだと思う。でも、同時に僕は死にとらわれていた。摑まれていた。死に近づいてみなければ、死は見えない。ギリギリまで近づいて、見極めたい。いつもそんなことから、自ら危険なことをわざとしていた。死ぬんじゃないか？
ということを何度もしている。もちろん、いつもすごくビビっているのに、その瞬間が近づいてくると、安心しているもう一人の自分がいる。
もう少し。もう少しで、答えが見えるかもしれない。そんな感覚。このレベルじゃまだ死なない。この程度だったら、まだ、やれる。まだ、やれる。もっと先の世界が見たい。そうやって自分自身を奮い立たせるところがある。
例えば、僕はバイクが大好きで、10代の頃はよく乗っていた。カーブの多い道を、当時の僕は、異常な攻め方をしていたと思う。それは、技術があるのではなくて、このレベルだったらまだいけるという感覚があったからだ。その感覚が大好きだった。スピードをグイグイ上げ、ある領域を超えるとすべてがスローに見えてくる瞬間がある。周りのすべてのものがゆっくりと見える。その感覚が長くなればなるほど、ものごとがクリアになっていくように感じる。

When I drowned, I was horribly frightened. Part of the reason[root], I think, was that I was violently afraid of death. But, at the same time, I was obsessed with it. Trapped by it. If I didn’t try to get close to death, I couldn’t see it. Until the last possible instant I would draw nearer and nearer, needing to see it for myself. Always because of such things, I intentionally put myself in danger. Would I die? I did things that made me wonder that again and again. Certainly, I was always terribly afraid, but still, as I approached that instant, I was calm and there was only me, myself alone.
A little more. Just a little more, and maybe I could see the answer. Such a feeling…This ‘rebel’ would not die yet. When I was at that level, still, I could do it. Still…I wanted to see more of this former life[afterlife?]. Doing like that, there were times I could cheer myself up.
For instance, I loved my bike, and when I was about 10 years old, I often rode it. During that time, I think that I had a strange way of just ‘attacking’ the many curved roads. I didn’t have any technique, but I felt that I was a rebel, so I could still do it. I loved that feeling. Building speed, and crossing over some region, then, there was an instant where I saw everything in slow motion. I saw the entirety of my surroundings like this. The longer the feeling lasted, the more it seemed that everything became clear to me.